King of the Invertebrates

Research has found that a certain species of octopus have the ability of using tools, in this case, two halves of a coconut. One Slashdot reader, upon hearing the news, decided to rewrite a favorite Monty Python skit:

  • OCTOPUS GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?
  • PULPO: It is I, Pulpo, son of Leggus Tentaclus, from the castle of Cephalot. King of the Invertebrates, defeator of the Squid, sovereign of all the Ocean!
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #1: Pull the other one!
  • PULPO: I am. And this my trusty servant Sucksy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the ocean floor in search of invertebrates who will join me in my court of Cephalot. I must speak with your lord and master.
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?
  • PULPO: Yes!
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!
  • PULPO: What?
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.
  • PULPO: So? We have ridden since the Titanic sunk onto this land, through the kingdom of Laurentian, through--
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
  • PULPO: We found them.
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #1: Found them? In the Laurentian Abyss? The coconut's tropical!
  • PULPO: What do you mean?
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
  • PULPO: The dolphin may swim south with the sun or the humpback whale may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land.
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
  • PULPO: Not at all, they could be carried.
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #1: What -- a dolphin carrying a coconut?
  • PULPO: It could grip it by the husk using its blowhole!
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of grasping ability! A dolphin has no means to carry a 1 pound coconut.
  • PULPO: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Pulpo from the Court of Cephalot is here.
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain the ability to breathe, a dolphin needs to keep its blowhole free from obstruction, right?
  • PULPO: Please!
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #1: Am I right?
  • PULPO: I'm not interested!
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #2: It could be carried by a Great White shark!
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, a Great White shark maybe, but not a dolphin, that's my point.
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
  • PULPO: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Cephalot?!
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #1: But then of course Great White sharks are not migratory.
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway... [clop clop]
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two dolphins carried it together?
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use the stipe of a bull whip kelp!
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #1: What, tied to the dorsal fins?
  • OCTOPUS GUARD #2: Well, why not?
Posted on Dec 15
Written by Wayne Hartman